Changes

The world around us changes constantly. I rarely watch the network news any more. I prefer to gather info on topics that intrigue me from the Internet. Not always the most reliable of sources, but when I feel the need for scandal news, it is where I want it, when I want news of the White House, I can find that as well.
Best of all, I can find news of my family. Some are better than others about keeping up facebook posts and even occasional emails. Facebook can be a bit too public at times, so as many I sometimes post in Marie code, or not at all about the changes in my life. Preferring to do it here, in while a "visible to those who visit" way, not the exhibitionist's exposure of FB. Yet, I love to see the posts of others!!
Family has once again been shattered by sadness. The loss of a grandma by a nieces husband, and the loss of a dear four legged family member make me shudder in sadness. Losses are so real, so permanent. I have dreamt of my Love recently. Disturbingly so. and of mom and dad. It is as if they are trying to tell me something, yet the dreams are common only in their bizarreness. The Anniversary looms close. How to mark the date remains a mystery. I think.... I want to spend it with the kids. but I know I will need me time to. Of course the drive would provide that. But I have also learned that being alone is not good for me.

Is that what this 'new' relationship is all about. Yes..... I am seeing someone. It is far more 'classic' than what The Prisoner and I had. We are going to the beach this weekend. Somewhere new. His way of assuring memories do not haunt me. He is so mindful of that.

We talk more than anything, sitting for hours just chatting. Life, dreams, pasts. I am just now opening up to him of my past. My eyes leak too much when I speak of Ted. So I talk in generalities.
Grief is so odd.
For some time, I only missed him.... missed his 'presence'. Missed having him here in my world. Oh, I cried, I mourned, I wanted him back. Then the anger crept in. Certainly spurred by The Prisoner. Anger at both surfaced easily. Anger at the world, anger at life, anger at the changes.

Now.... I am at the point where there are only good memories. Our minds do that. I guess to help us get over the anger. Is this the place where acceptance comes. Can you accept the finality because you miss only the good stuff. Over dinner I described him as having the biggest angel wings lately. So big that when he comes to me he cloaks me in his warmth, and there is a peace. No more anger.... Thank goodness. ((Oh it surfaces at times, but it is not the ready emotion)). But it is hard to compete with an angel. An angel who is nothing but goodness and warmth and peace. So I do not speak of him often, But it is hard to not speak of almost 30 years of a 53 year life. I try to be objective. Honest with MtnMan as well as myself.

This dating thing...sucks..... How the hell do you do it at 53?? Where does the past become a liability and the future an opportunity? What if the security of the present seems enough....but with big holes where your heart used to be?

Changes..... the world changes every minute every day. Someone suffers loss, someone else finds hope and happiness. We all change, the world demands it. Stay still and you wither. Move to fast and you loose your balance..... keep the stride and before you know it you are moving in harmony with the world and you can breathe again, you can smile, you can be a better friend and best of all you can be you !! Again !!!

Ciao