Getting It Done

It is the beginning. A week ago I recommitted to 8 weeks of serious training. A schedule that will have me "tri ready" in the short 60 some days until I do this again. I have been able to do it. for 5 days... I truly hope this can happen. I do not do well with rules and schedules. But I have to BELIEVE in the process. I want the better result. The result that makes me better.

It has been a couple of rough weeks.... things are changing. I am doing OK, or I feel like I am doing OK.

The work in PICU has been good. I head back this weekend. I have been getting enough work. I would love to kill it and pick up a ton of overtime... but I know myself and I know working too much is not good for me.
Especially when I am trying to kill it in the Gym.
Like right now... 5 AM, too early to work out ( not really, the gym is open 24 hours) but I really want to do at least 1/2 of my bike ride on pavement.... get the real feel of the bike.

But I could be doing other things... Core, Legs, sigh,,,

I am under 1000 days to retirement. But this is the time to make the move. I will get my resume in order and get things together for an Early June blast. Not sure if that is a good strategy. The advantage is that many people are looking for new people .. the new grads... they hold positions for this time of year. So, do I hunt for one of those positions, dazzle with 28 years of experience and the desire to relocate. or do I wait for the fall out. wait until the August failures.

Thinking things through.... its what I do best and what I do worst. This is when the crazy Libra comes out in me.

these are the reasons to do this choice, these are the reasons not to do that and make the other choice... but what if I do the wrong thing, or the right combination but it turns out wrong. Brain challenge, Life challenge, moving beyond the physical thing I am currently doing.

and then the fear of Virgo... that staying the course is the right and safe thing.
Staying for the fall Yoga Instructors class. taking NPS. moving beyond the moment.

But there is so much to move toward.. Fred's Party. Cati's graduation... Life.... crazy wild life...

for now, time to take a moment.... work the core and ride the bike.... sigh....

Missing him

these three days come every year.


When does it stop hurting? When do you stop missing that person?


Part of me hopes never. I never want to forget. I never want to not feel this way.


I started yesterday in a melancholy mood. Tried to go on with tasks as if it were a normal day. But by noon I was exhausted. I could barely keep my head up. Then it hit me, after the tears at the grave site, after that overwhelming feeling of being loved and having lost that love. I couldn't move. So I didn't.


Finally, the clock ticked away and March 25 was gone.


It may not be right, but in that hour after the day was over. I toasted him. Opened a bottle of champagne and raised my glass to the man who loved me like no one else has. Or likely ever will.


Today, he is an angel. There are still days I am angry and only remember the pain and the not so great times. Not today. Today it is the way he made me feel when he looked at me. The way he made me laugh, at the same silly lines I heard 100 times. What I wouldn't give to hear them again.


Today, it would be hard to be better than him.


My Canadian friend reminds me that I have had that GREAT love. I believe I will have it again. I am capable of love, capable of being loved.


I miss him,  will never stop.


Tri-cities used to tell people that I was still married. I am. and I miss him.


if you read this.... hug your spouse a little tighter, look in his eyes and tell him that you love him to the moon and back. Forgive that he left the light on, or spent that last 50 dollars.... when you get home tomorrow.... they may be gone forever.


I have the great peace of knowing the last words I said to him was "I love you". I stopped to kiss him one more time before walking out the door. Spent the last day with him instead of sleeping like I normally would have. I whispered the words of a song in his ear as he was driving.


Today, I miss him.... but I celebrate his life and our love....


here's to you Ted, I love you.

Away, Alone, what do I want.

Its Monday now... the moment just changed.


I spent the weekend away. Alone. One in a room of many. Unnoticed, but noticed. Felt good that Dr Link picked me out of the crowd. I don't even know what for. But to be noticed. to be mentioned ... in a room of people who do not know me.


I am not used to be the out cast. But I wasn't. old friends, bug warm hugs... real hugs... hugs that didn't feel awkward or weird, but were sincere... I needed that.


No one knows the pain I am in.  reading this weird bloggy thing... don't bury your feelings, acknowledge them. And then accept them... know them,


I am not sure where that needed to be. I need to find my world. My world at the hospital. the world that held me up. I think that is why it feels like such a loss.


I know that I have not reached out. I really am wanting to protect them, and me from them... from the looks, the words... the feeling.
I will never hurt those who have taken such good care of me. I will not hang my head in shame. I will walk in confidence that I am a good person. that I really may have issues, but I am good. inherently I am a good person.


I will make some slow deliberate decisions on my own. St Louis childrens has positions. Denver? who knows.... I may just leave. maybe that is the thing to do. maybe to protect myself from myself.


I still wrote the dream down.... an educator in the clinic. Do I have to get my RN... maybe I will look into that. I could do that. I could finish my life.


I am afraid. Afraid of not letting anyone in .... I am scared. Scared and alone... sigh.... I knew this was going to be my life, but I thought I would slide back into the mainstream... find someone ... special...


I need to be me .... be happy... find life again....


I am good... I will always be good.


I will live !

How did I get here

Wow, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. What I do not understand is how did I get here?


For 28 years, I have lived OHSU. Loved OHSU. never imagined myself anywhere but there.


I feel like I know myself well. My strong suits as well as my short comings. One fact about me that teeters that line of acceptability is my intolerance for bull shit, and bull shit people.


I have a work ethic, unlike many I know. yes, I have called in sick to "go away". getting time off can be a major headache. Especially short term. But I show up, work hard, and give my all. But when BS enters my life, it is hard for me to accept.
When others do not know what they are doing, can't do the job they are hired to do, or just are lazy, it irritates me and I have little tolerance.
My actions from that irritation is questionable at times. I react. apparently loudly. and others "fear" me.


now, I sit at home letting people decide my fate based on a single day. well ok... three... but in 28 years,...4,368 shifts give or take a vacation or overtime shift, it all comes down to this.


My frustrations come when others do not do their jobs. When they leave their jobs to me, or others.


Life has changed, I have adapted mostly well. but I have to learn again... to go with the flow. I hope that I have the 440 shifts left until retirement. If not... I am truly gone. My job has been the only thing that has kept me in Oregon this long... maybe it is just time...


thank you cyber space for letting me put my feelings down... my fears, my tears....


I am strong, I will survive this. I have survived worse... but never.... the core of how I define myself.


I am hurt, I am defeated....
sigh....

Found...my piece of coal

In the past few years "things" have become less and less important to me. A result of many things. Certainly loss of real love. Mom, the very definition of unconditional love, in 2007, Ted ... my love through it all, in 2009 and many other friends and family lost. Also, moving makes you determine the value of many things.... what piece do you want to hold on to... what point of time do you want to display in your home, to share with those that enter your space. What story do you want to tell, what story do you want to remember.... what point of time do you value with that 'thing.'.
that is not saying that I do not have things... I do... too many... some were grandma's,  some mom's... a few Ted's or memories of them or the moments with them.


jewelry... is often a valued thing.... wedding rings, necklaces, cufflinks...


and earrings....


One Christmas, when things had been hard... why they were hard isn't important... for some unknown reason, I really really really wanted this beautiful pair of diamond solitaire earrings. I don't know how he did it, but he borrowed, begged, hid enough to buy me those earrings... 1/2 carat each... a beautiful light champagne colored. attached to the ears of a stuffed Dalmatian. I was stunned... they became my prized possession. I am a woman of the 80's. Diamonds are a girls best friend, Diamonds are forever, Big Girls need Big Diamonds.... all slogans of the times.


I have lost jewelry... a lot of it... given a bit of it away...I have mourned the loss of those pieces of jewelry... yes cried and moped... replaced some, but most is just lost...


Then Wednesday night happened...


18 patients... 4 therapists... probably 13 nurses, 3 or 4 docs... I took the two admits... no worries, I got this, everyone helped...
and then.. I brushed my hair behind my ear, putting on probably the 50th mask I put on that night... or was I taking it off... my left earlobe ... naked... gone.... What the.... what???? I must have checked my ear 10 no.. 15 times..... no, it can't be....
then the tears came...unstoppable, silent, pouring down my cheeks... I checked again... no...gone...
wipe the face, walk it off... do what you do best...


dive into work, forget the loss, deny the loss... just take care of the patients.... keep going, keep the distraction alive...


Later, home.... the tears come again... I take off the right earring... place it gingerly on the edge of the sink... well that is stupid...


move it to a much safer place. ( snicker inserted here)...


crawl exhausted into bed.... tears come again.... this time only my pillow knows the secret... the real pain swells up again.... toss , turn.. tuck a pillow here....


what is this crumb.... damn I have been so good about not.....
whoa.... ( No ...it is not the earring)....
the back of the earring....


carefully place the back on the bedside table.


and drift off to sleep, a smile of hope.


Thursday, my evening full of stuff.... my eyes scanning the carpet, dragging my feet and at one point my fingers through the shag of the carpet.
every time I enter a room, my eyes scan the corners for a glimmer of the sparkle of a diamond...but never really SEARCH..., no bright flashlight, no careful plotting.... no throwing back the sheets and searching....


my life moves on...I even put in a different pair of earrings... hoping someone will notice, ask why I am not wearing my diamonds... no one says anything...


Friday morning, I rearrange my day... not for a real reason, but it just doesn't feel right rushing through the morning. Mundane tasks, loading the dishwasher, folding laundry....
and there.... where I have looked 100 times...  I see the sparkle... brighter than the brightest twinkle... as if he put it there. as if to say " I would never leave you."..... it sits not really deep, but not really on the surface.... I know it is the diamond before I even bend to pick it up... and the tears start....


Maybe I value them too much.... this is not the first time I thought I lost it, but it is the first time that I truly believed all hope was lost....


It is just a pair of earrings... but they feel like all I have left... left of 27 years of marriage...of a lifetime...


one of a pair, isn't still a pair... it is alone... maybe that is what hurt... the comparison of two things that are awesome alone... I mean it is still a beautiful 1/2 carat champagne diamond... gorgeous and strong and sparkling.... something to be cherished and admired, but it is only half a pair...
together... together they are amazing... a force that all the world can see. Glittering.... fantastic... together  again, ...forever.
 A dream.....
but for now, a small symbol.... a thing.... a pair.... have been reunited... tomorrow I will put them back on.... for tonight...


the tears flow.... unstoppable...

Great Ride

Its January 30, and the sun was shining. It was 51 degrees and a great ride was to be had !
Shari, McKenzie and I took to the Springwater Trail and did a quick 9 miles. well sort of quick. The seat slipped again, I need to figure that out. and the uphills were killer... I was sweating through my four upper layers and two bottom layers. The wind challenged us on the out and the sun on the in. But it felt so good.
I truly hope that the rain arrives soon, not so that the outdoor training has to stop, but so that by June 7 the rain has been satisfied. As always the rain is my scariest demon. well that and hills....


I know I need to train harder, better..with more desire. I need to find that motivation. I cannot describe yesterday any other way than a sad day.
Sad for many reasons.


Wednesday night was awful... Something I had never experienced before... a vent failed to deliver the desired oxygen, and if it were not for a quirky earlier in the day trial, I am not convinced that I would have found the problem. It truly bothered me that we escalated care, considered other therapy techniques.... and all because a machine that I am responsible for failed, and I didn't discover it for over an hour.


and then, I had recently returned from my Happy Place.... Aspen Colorado.... and I don't know when I will return. I am committed to training for the two tri's this year.... that means serious... no more travel until July.... sigh..... I hate making this kind of choice.... but I have already made the choice. Now it is a matter of staying committed. Traveling puts a kink in my training, and I do not need any kinks.


so..until July, I am staying put.... sort of... lol... I will get a trip to Skamania .... courtesy of OHSU in March.... and then a trip to Wenatchee in May. I am considering making that a training trip as well as a trip to see the Son In Law in his role on stage.


I need to focus.... but I want so much out of life....


It feels smothering.... I took a new position at work... back to Float... adults and peds... no more Neonates. I truly have mixed feelings. I will miss the friends in the DNCC.


I need to succeed....


what about the big move? still an option... but life will take its turns. for now.... I move at the speed of a turtle in a vat of peanut butter...


more tomorrow.... my thoughts are coming too fast... I need to meditate....


Ohmmmmmm

Normal progression

Well, this is how this usually pan out for me. I have great expectations. Super plans... good intentions. and then find the same repetitive thoughts in my head, and decide not to write.


so what are those thoughts?


I am back in the PICU. The rotation has brought me back... and I LOVE IT !!! I could not be happier. I feel like I really am valued and that I am heard. I get to do what I was trained to do. It makes me certain of the change requested is the exact right thing to do.


I haven't given up on YOGA.. proud of myself. No less than 2 days a week... often three. It feels so good.


and I haven't given up on training. I donot like the core work, but the swimming , walking even the biking feels so good. and I look better. My body is changing... finally in a good way. Loosing the belly makes me feel like this is really worth it. I never started this for my body... I did it to keep my body moving. To stay alive. This is not a training for an event it is training for life. I am really proud of myself.


My brain is on overdrive.... I think I need this yoga that I talked myself into.
next week is Colorado !! So excited. Jen and I with her mini me... skating, X games, ULLR. and Glenwood Springs for swimming and tubbing.


work changes, always.... training.... eating....


Living


... I am in such a good place right now.
I BELIEVE....