I hate Portland in January. it has rained on and off for the last 17 days. I hate it. This is the very reason I have wanted to leave this town for the past 29 years....every January I feel this way.
and every July I love it here!!
This weekend has been exceptionally bad. I have cried, whined, (to no one) and hid. I guess more than one person would label this as depression. Maybe I do suffer from SADD. I need to get to the gym, and despite the scare about the spot on my nose and the strict warnings from dermatologist I have to get in the tanning bed. I really think it is the only thing that will help me. Fortunately, I have great friends and family. Even thought I have hidden away in my house this weekend.
I really have not felt well since coming home from Florida. First a cold, then the stomach flu, then general crappiness, feeling like the cold was coming back,and today a migraine.... even my meds were not touching it.... so frustrating. I do not like being "that person".
Fortunately Sara was in the office.... well, I wasn't crazy...I have been sick since I got home. I have a rip roaring sinus infection.... no wonder my ears hurt, the runny nose keeps coming back, even my gums are infected. Now I am on antibiotics.... and my stomach hurts worse than ever. I am not an antibiotic person.
I am wondering if I need to start back seeing my counselor. I am not sure why.... I can't get myself motivated, and I feel like I do know myself... that I can analyze myself. That nothing anyone else can say will change my behavior. I feel like I know all the words.... but that doesn't help me. I do not know if having someone else tellit to me....if it will change anything.
Sunday nights are the hardest.Last night particularly bad. I didn't feel well...and I missed having someone care about me. then all the old thoughts keep creeping back in. What if I wouldn't have gone to work that Tuesday night.... Why was he taken from me. Why am I supposed to be alone at this point in my life. Being without someone is my choice. I have pushed away people. People that I didn't feel were right at this point.
I feel like such a wrong person.... I want what others have described.... Just have a friend to hang with from time to time.... when I want them.... I don't want to be wanted.... I want the control.... and the control includes not needing someone.... but as I stated above... I do need someone, I do want someone...
But I am afraid of getting stuck here again. I really do not think I can do another winter here.
Even with a great trip to look forward to, to my favorite place in the world.... with my bestest friends....
Even with the fear of change and having made the biggest decision of 30 years.....
even with all the possibilities of the world in front of me....
I am still unable to motivate myself... Seriously.... this is bad.... I just got my Christmas decorations down, they are not even all put away yet....
I haven't gone grocery shopping since I got home two weeks ago....I mean I stopped by Safeway.... but I am eating stuff off the shelf that probably should have gone in the garbage.
Now deciding.... give it all away or try a garage sale.... Someone might find joy in this stuff..... but then why bother, maybe the donating way is smarter....
but how do you just give away a life....at least selling it gives it some worth....even if it just 50 cents.
This page, this revealing my flaws and my fears, makes me feel better.
I heard something today....
Write down your top five priorities.
when you find yourself doing something other than those top five things,
stop what you are doing and focus on number one.
WOW.... I don't know if I can identify the top five priorities in my life. Two years ago that would have been easy.... today I am not sure....
My headache is gone, but not the fears, not the tears, not the same nightmares that have kept me from sleeping for the past two years....
But tomorrow is a new day. I am going to find my five priorities and that is what I am going to work on.... from now on.... and when I am not doing one of those.... I am going to stop what I am doing and focus on number one....
When I figure out the five..... I will let you know.
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