What a week !

I really have so much going on that I am not sure where to begin.

So I will start with my usual heart ache.

It is now 1202. officially Valentines Day.

A day, traditionally, ted and I did not pay a whole attention to, but always remembered in some silly way. A card, a small gift, occasionally an extravagant one. Somehow, it always was, just right. We always seemed to know what the other needed in any given year.

This is my second Valentine without him. I am not even sure how we spent our last Valentines together. Who ever thinks that.... this will be our last.

Last year I was in Africa!! With Cardiostart. A Perfect way to spend the HEART day.... I remember, Cheri got to watch a man receive a new valve. The very procedure Ron had. it was memorable.

I remember one of the women's husband tried to send her flowers. His money transfer lost between the US and Ghana... FTD doesn't exist in Kumasi.

This year.....

someone asked me last night, in reference to being in love, have you ever wished every day for something knowing it just wasn't going to happen. WOW.... I wanted to say, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME !!!! Only every day since March 25 2009 !! I guess its different. Wishing someone could love you like you love them, versus just wishing that fate was different. but is it? Can you change change love? Not that i really believe in this sort of thing, but on Millionaire Matchmaker, the
'star' of the show recently was quoted as saying, if you have been with someone for a year, and you do not see yourself marrying them for a life time, it is time to move on. Now she was particularly speaking of people over 45. (I know I fit that category) and I guess I mostly agree. The rebuttal question I asked, was do you really want to be in yet another long term committed relationship. (knowing that marriage had failed for this person more than once, and after 55, they did not see much purpose in marriage).... their answer a quick, YES, I do not want to be alone. Mine, I am not sure. I think I do. But in reality, I am still deeply in love with my husband, I will only know when it happens that i am ready for it. I guess that means I am not ready.

The Catholic Church today celebrated "married couples day".... it sounded like Valentines day and a commitment and a good way to tie in the sermon on the mount gospel all into one big sermon. Father Chris did an OK job. I am really not thrilled with St Henry's. I continue to go, out of convenience. but, it is really an old fashioned conservative church. I have trouble relating. I take what I need and leave the rest. It is what it is. But I need more. I will begin looking soon. I have not joined the parish, for those very reasons. I never thought of going out to Sandy, but I might try that next week.

beyond that.....

I am fighting my newest set back in my life plan. More on that later. It reared its ugly head, set me on my ass, and now I am ready to push it aside and deal with it.

Happy heart Day....