Merry Christmas Eve

I know it may seem odd to begin blogging again during the holiday season.... it just seems like a great time to begin a new adventure....again.



I moved a mountain today...OK well maybe just a man.... I actually got the hubby on a treadmill. Doctors orders actually.... but he did it and I am so proud of him !! I need a bit longer work out than him, but that will come. I will work out the details of our differing needs as time goes on.



I need to get many things right in my life...and my health is among the most important....and along with that his health.



My mental health, too. thus the blogging.... maybe something will come of this.



I am still struggling with all of the events of 07. Today ...well my mood is somber. Not sure how to celebrate the holidays.... I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be near anyone either.

Like others good friends have come to replace family at least in immediate presence...family will never be replaced in my heart.



I waiver between sadness and anger and hope... odd sentiments all. The sadness explainable.... but yet not all that obvious. Loss is an odd thing, sometimes you lose things that I guess you never really had. People whom you have come to cherish replace you with others....while explainable, hurtful none the less. The weirdest thing is that I feel the greatest loss for something...someone actually, that long ago told me.... "I don't want you to be...." but then found me useful, necessary actually for her to achieve some personal goals, and now has tossed me and her father aside for "new family". I never thought I would miss her like this, but I do. I wish her well.... but I must never expect anything from her again.... and hopeful expectations are sometimes the hardest to let go of.



The anger still wells.... and unfortunatly numbs me and renders me unable to accomplish what should be a simple task. Again expectations.... gone unnoticed....my way of responding ...denying "the man" what it has asked of me. Simple expectations by the revengeful side of me becomes childish and sez...."make me". All I really ever hoped for was a sincere "I'm sorry this happened to you" from someone who had power to change things. Instead all I got were lies and excuses and nothing in the system will change....and maybe it will be another 21 years before an innocent person is victimized by a broken system.... but I still feel they owe me something.

Well.... to those who understand and those who don't.....Merry Holidays.....