back to the future

My calendar tells me it's a new year..... my heart and head tell me it's a new year, even my spirit tells me it's so....
So why are there no fireworks going off in my life....

I guess I have not made any yet.

Life goes on as the calendar goes in the trash, and work, the real mainstay in my life goes on. I desperately need to get motivated to get two MAJOR projects done. Three if you count taking the exam for Asthma educator. Not sure what is keeping me from working on them. A lack of confidence I suppose. As this blog shows I am a wordy writer.... that will hinder my ability to be concise on one project, and the other is lack of confidence that anything around here can change.

The other "drama" in my life, I need to deal with is the step child. I think mostly she is oblivious to her actions that raise my ire so. Her father acts as if he does not care. His protective shield, and rightly so, because if he did "care" he would hurt more than he does by not caring.... that makes sense, but it is wrong for her to make him act as though he does not care. that is exactly what her mother did. She made decisions that affected how he was to handle things. I get that he was not a "great husband" to her. He is selfish, and definitely lets others take care of him, that is why my co-dependency is good for both of us in a sick sort of way. But no one really gets how she took his children from him. That life in the 60's was different, that lawyers and judges looked at things differently then. That his then wife, was content in supporting him to not fight for the kids, as she never had plans for children, and certainly was not in a position to mother his. But really, the mother to his kids did make legal decisions that he could have fought, but he was convinced by others walking away was the right thing to do. This behavior has carried through... both kids have done it in their own way, and two of the grandsons have as well.... not good, not healthy, but it was they learned at the feet of their parents.

I see that everyday. Children learn love and parenting from their parents..... and the patterns are repeated for generations until someone strong comes along and teaches them things don't have to be that way. Why do you think despite media attention young women let themselves be in abusive relationships...it is what they are taught, often by virtue of their mothers relationships, that it's right and OK to be the victim.... sigh..... why else would preemies be delivered to 13 and 14 year old girls, who's own mothers haven't yet reached the age of 30? ...oh I have to get off this soapbox before I ramble for pages. !!

I was lucky, I know that now more than ever. I learned love and relationship from two wonderful people. Yes, my mothers purpose was to take care of us, and that is what I do...what I do best. I love to care for people, especially people that are important to me. It is what gives me value. It may sometimes seem counterproductive ( the whole co-dependence thing.... if you look up dependency in the dictionary, there will be my picture) .... but in the realm of behaviors, I can accept that in me. Sometimes it holds me back, most times not...and sometimes it even is good for me.

So... on to 2008 !!!