I'm baaaack.....

I could go on and on...and I probably will over the next few posts.... about how the past month has sent me back months.....and back into therapy....

The most dramatic events were predictably going to be hard...but I never imagined how hard.

I hid, for weeks, burying myself in what I believed to be my duty.... my imagined purpose....interestingly enough I buried myself in the one area I feel the safest, the most proficient, the roll I identify most with, and the same place that started all the recent turmoil.

Of course those who know me, know THAT place is work...the roll...caregiver.... and the turmoil.....

walking across the skybridge to care for the patients in the part of the hospital where my 6 month battle with myself began. I took the assigned task with grace...until I neared the VA end of the bridge....panic overcame me.... I literally had to stop and hold myself up ...deep breaths.... fear racked my soul... tears streamed down my face.... unsure whether I could let the sliding glass doors open.... one more step and into the blue-grey abyss I was going to fall.

deep breath...... slowly...the doors slid open, and I passed into the fear.... no turning back.... the slow agonizing elevator up.... I would address the patients on "7C" first.... the safe floor.... then on to "8D" .... the stairs seemed to go on forever... until.... damn pager...shocked me back to reality.... a STAT call for a new admit.... and the fear faded away....the panic gone.... I slipped quickly into that safest of places for me.... I was needed....no room to think about anythin except the patient who was in distress and I could help..... my roll overtaking who I really am.... the safe blanket cloaking me.... for 12 hours....actually more as there was yet another STAT page as I was ready to leave...

the drive home... sharing some with Jen, but then the quiet of the house.... the fear comes back...overwhelming me ... no sleep.... I made it through the 12 hour shift.... it should all be easy from here.... but it is not.....

I decide I can work through this.... no fear will beat ME....

then the snowball..... "sis-in law", sick...really sick.... and I can't go to her, the other "sis-in-law" suffers the biggest loss known to a woman, her father has died..... and I can't go to her.... and then the Anniversary ...one year since she left me.... and I can't deal anymore.... too much for me to handle....so I ignore it all until the physical symptoms of 6 months ago return, the headaches, the tightness in the shoulders.... no work out plan, no massage, no OTC pain medicine works.... I consider going back to the doctor and then realize it is my soul that is hurting.....

The first question..... how is the writing going.... she wants to know if she can read what I have been writing lately.... and I shamefully tell her the writing has stopped, as the pain came back.... the writing has stopped....

and so I return to the solace of sharing with the few who visit here.... odd... that writing feels so right...that sharing with no one in particular, and possibly with people who just wander here.... seems to bring a sense of sweet release of some of the pain....

so to those who read this from time to time.... thank you for letting me have this venue.... and to those who have no clue what this is all about..... simply it is about me ...about who I am... and where I am going because of where I have been.