Breaking all the rules

Many of you know.... I am about rules.... and sticking to them.....

rules require knowledge......knowledge is power...... POWER..... that is what I crave most.

It is my downfall in life....

And tonight.... Christmas eve... I am breaking the rules....

Blogging drunk..... bad thing.... but I have to get this demon out of me......Truly,.... worst Christmas ever. I just learned of one sister in laws mother passed.... almost two weeks ago...bad nieces.... you KNOW I would have wanted to know.... bad Brother.... you should have told me too.....

now.... another 'mom' in the hospital..... healing.... but I know her pain is more than physical.... first year without her love.... my heart aches for her, for her daughter(s)... and her son. Her grand kids too..... I remember holidays marred by illness...

Maybe that is why my own loves illness.... cold, aches,.... seemingly depression hurts so much... maybe it is deep rooted in Christmases marred by Daddy's illness.... Mom's worry.... something not right.... deep rooted anger at the illness..... not at Dad.... but at the situation....
top it off with a ruined garage... hopefully not too ruined mementos of life, ...I am afraid to look, and the need.... the need to escape... but no where to escape to as I am trapped by the weather of Portland. A cruel cruel turn of events. both cars combined have never spent a week not in the garage and now.... covered in snow it appears my Solstice is injured by the cold.... just a window... just a car... I tell myself.... then why do I cry.

the pain of my own incompetence..... my own way of rebelling against this angst.... paralysis when it comes to getting my things done..... well Christmas gifts will keep coming into the new year for those I love....

A bright Spot..... Char is better..and so is Fred..... his words make me tearful..... where is this man who writes so lovingly of his wife, his family..... his tender thoughts..... make my soul jump for joy. I am the one who lives with her tears in her eyes, her emotions on her sleeves.... and her anger.... buried..... his emotions bubble forth.... and the tender tearful joy that is his soul lies deep.... we are opposites yet the same.....

I miss my brothers so....... I want them all here... tonight..... watching me cry like the tearful little sister they remember......
maybe it's the snow.... maybe its Ted not feeling well... maybe its the absence of Christmas in my heart.....no... its there...... somewhere......

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS.........