Thank you Mrs Walker.....

Arrrghhhh...... I don't know what it is..... too many things! Everything at once, nothing at all. Maybe it is the lack of anticipation of a really special Christmas. Never before have I felt this way. My tree is BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!! but still is lacking a single ornament ! When I finish here I will address that situation.
Everyone seems to be 'healthy'... The man over his latest round of cold and flu season and three weeks.... YES three weeks In bed !! but that doesn't seem to be helping his relative winter funk.
The temperatures in the 20's and teens has him ever morehit with the winter blahs and Christmas Grinch...iness . and me with no ideas what to do to change any of that. Last year we dreamt of moving.... you know the winter bliss of warmer climes, but come June and July and all talk of that vanishes.... and now here we are looking at a cold wet winter and he is unhappy with the city of his birth. Would I move..... that used to be an easy yes for me..... but I look at the daunting task that would consist of ..... preparing and selling this house, packing, job hunting, when I was thirty ...yes.... forty.... undoubtedly..... but 50..... sigh...... maybe I am just to old and tired.....and the security of 20 + years at a job that for the first time in that 20 years is seriously talking layoffs and trimming back.... I am at no risk of being in those numbers.... and I cannot put myself there. For many reasons.... my life has become what it is and that includes chief bread winner, provider, caregiver..... and in this case I must be the decision maker.... and it is killing me.

I need to connect to family.... its been a while.... a few weeks only, but I miss them..... always.... and the holidays.... still tug at the heart strings...... like tonight I long for the comfort of baking cookies and knowing that soon all of us would be gathering for some version of family Christmas..... we have not had that for oh..... 20 some years..... but it doesn't mean I still don't wish that it could happen... that I could be 10 once more and be spoiled by all of them...... even if Fred somehow always managed to make me cry at least once.... either by being sweet or by being a big brother.....that's my version.... I am keeping it !!!

But I have my friends..... my "carpooler".... thank you...... you keep me sane..... you keep me safe.... you keep me OK..... you're the best......

OK'''I've wasted hours now again doing stuff.... I have to get things done..... first...Ornaments....

Happy Holidays !!!