Of course...tragedy brings me back here..... this is how i cope.... words... words on white screen...thoughts..... oh man...how to compile the thoughts..... they are everywhere......
from...gotta call Fred about the brats on the door step of a house in pompano beach... he will never comprehend that..... to what to serve at the wake....where is that damn remote.... to why could I possibly need to go to gym and walk for 45 minutes on the treadmill with my Heart rate over 140 and never break a sweat when Monday i was panting after 15 minutes with a HR of 110....
The really weird thing.... I have tried this on in my mind many times.... an orphan and widow.... it never felt good.... but.... somehow it fit..... Now today...it is just strangling me..... get it off.... bring him back... bring them all back..... I can't do this..... I shouldn't have to do this.
Everyone knew.... this was my reality.,... I knew it... I married a man 16 years my senior.... that is what you get when you make that choice.... we had a great life.... oh dear.... we had our moments.... ever marriage does.... but he was a great husband.... to some he may have seemed less involved in my life than I was in his... but that was never the case.... he knew when to let me fly.....
he was above all else his own person.... I could never have been married to anyone else.... we always joked..... "where's ted".... "oh he'll show up"... or not.... never one to ruin a celebration.... how many times would he slip off to bed and we'd find him asleep with remote in hand a party going on ten feet away....
what i wanted.... he wanted..... he never said no to me.... OK... he did.... every time I said I wanted a new puppy.... he politely reminded me that I really did not....
He died the way he lived.... without a fuss.... literally.... pissing on it.... on the bad stuff.... but there had been no bad stuff lately....
we have been surviving the recession reclusive, conservatively, safely, quietly.... thanks to my career, some shrewd and timely planning....
we had a great trip planned.... he was telling everyone how excited he was to surprise Fred.... to enjoy the sunshine of South Florida.... to lend a smile to a family not as blessed as us.... at this moment.....
the fall and winter had been no fun... colds flu..blah... crappy weather... a "disaster in the garage".... but nothing lost really.... a pain in the ass.... Spring was here.... golf season around the corner.... you cannot believe how he had manipulated my life into a calm serenity....
until.....
thank you for taking the time to stop by this place in my mind.... don;t read too much into it.... it is just what it is...words on a white screen.....
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