Some days are just gonna be like this

OK.... I' am starting this with a disclaimer....

this is the place I come to get rid of these feelings inside me so they have a place to go. It helps me to write them.... to say them "out loud" to the random place that is cyberspace that I share with you.... it is my form of therapy when I can't say them out loud to anyone. I know you all would listen, and would understand and would cry with me...but I ... Marie Louise... I can't do that ...for some reason saying the words out loud to someone isn't in my nature.... so when you call or I call I am strong... and that is what I am .... most of the time....

but not right now.....

I am in that awful place everyone has been waiting for me to fall.....

when I eat my stomach rejects it....not immediately, that would be welcome, but for the next 24 hours it churns away with a constant dull ache....
I can't sleep.... even with the aid of mild assistance ( Tylenol PM is the strongest I have tried)
fear.... bumps in the night and such make my mind race
and the tears... they come and won't stop.... and then suddenly there are no more...and I think finally exhaustion has set in, and sleep will be next and it eludes me.....

I wander the house..... it ain't that big.... it doesn't take long.....the rain keeps me indoors and one look in the mirror keeps me from leaving the house.

This is all new..... it started but 30 hours ago.... I know it is just the next step of grieving.... there are 9 or 10 or 7 ...I learned them all once, had them memorized..... could regurgitate all the classic signs and feelings.... now.... none of that matters except that I am all alone.....

the man who completed me.... the man who made me a better me ... my companion , my love for almost 27 years is gone..... and I am not liking this one bit....

its not anger, denial, bargaining..... it just is...what it is.... and I am not happy......

but tomorrow..... will be a new day.... one day further in the journey of MY LIFE.....

one more list to complete.... one more page to turn in the calendar.... one more morning to enjoy....

some days are just gonna be like this.... there is no stopping them.....