Fathers Day

I hate Fathers Day! I'll start with that sentiment right up front. Oh, I love the idea of having a "day" to honor the most important man in your life.....
but....

I lost my daddy over 20 years ago... I miss him EVERY DAY.... there were not enough Fathers Day's for me to let him know how much he meant to me. I was a Daddy's girl. Always. Maybe it was the way he spoiled me, maybe it was the quiet way he just got me right. I remember the terror in the middle of the night when my mom called to tell me he had died.... I hated the world right then. "They" had told me not to come to Florida, that he would be fine in a few days, instead he was dead.

Then ... actually before then.... I married a man who had an odd relationship with his children. I can't say it was strange.... it just almost was non-existent. Over the years it had grown..... but year after year fathers day would come and go and not a card or phone call from either of them. He always said it didn't matter.... maybe it didn't... he was not one for cards and flowers and gifts without soul.....but it hurt me that they did not remember him. I guess their reality was he didn't raise them like a 'Father'..so why honor him like one.... I never asked... I never tried to figure it out and I certainly never criticized....

now today.... actually just last night the Cemetery called to say that the plaque and vase/marble were done and in place. I wanted to go see them..... it seemed appropriate to take Red roses. When Susie did honor him, it was always with red roses.... I cried for a while. I cried for my loss, for theirs..... for every ones.....I cried for my dad....for all those who don't have dad's.... for this bittersweet day. I drove around a bit.... the son at his fathers grave, clearing leaves and mown grass, the couple..... the balloon declaring someone a super dad.... I hope they told him so everyday he was alive.

I know my last words to Ted were "I love you".... they were always the words I said as I headed out the door for work....

I know the last words I said to my dad were "I love you"... they were always my last words before we hung up on the phone....

and here I sit crying for my losses.... wanting to know why.... seeking answers where there are none to be found.

sigh......Happy Father's Day !!!