Lost....

I have been going to my weekly counseling.... one would never know it to see me. This week was particularly bad. On so many levels.
Fisrt I do not particularly like my counselor. A sweet Jewish man who really knows little about a once Catholic woman who has suffered the biggest losses of her life in the span of two years . He asks the right questions ... listens somewhat attentively to my answers. But to be honest.,... and here I can be totally honest... I am not always honest with him. I feel the need to seek his approval like a wise teacher, not someone to lead me through this. its not working.
He hasn't really discouraged me from writing here... just questioned why this is cathartic to me.

I give up.... I don't know why it is.... I just know it is...and I need to visit here.... often....

I do not , as my few visitors know.... expect feedback, sympathy or empathy from my writing.... just that this is my place... my place to come and let go of the thoughts.....

I said this week was bad.... whew.....

It started with a dream.... no more than a dream.... a visitation almost.... a pleading by Ted to ... to what....
he was so real... he was right there.... told me he would take care of getting the papers from Briggs, that I didn't need to worry about that.... that I need to get the furnace replaced... and that everything else could wait.... that I needed to .... what.... he was gone.... in my Big Blue Truck.... you know the 1975 Chevy 150 3/4 ton pick up Daddy bought me when I was in Arizona. complete with the home made side boards.... he backed up in the drive way and was gone.... before I could reach him. A wave and that smile.... he'd be home tonight he said..... and then I woke... to an ache so deep and real I thought I was having a heart attack.
So disorienting.... I made Jennifer turn around and make sure i turned the water off.... after watering Ted's roses.... I couldn't remember the simple act of turning off the faucet.... and the next day waiting for his return I overslept.... I mean way overslept.... I awoke at 1820.... I have to be at work at 1845....and it takes at least 25-30 minutes door to door.... arrrrgghhhhh. I never oversleep...... now I can't say never.
I feel so out of control.....I hate this feeling.... detest it....

this is the feeling that took me to counseling the first time.... after the " attack" at the VA. All those feeling are back. I am immobilized and whirling at the same time. I HATE THIS !!!!!!

Last time I had Ted to take over.... even for a while.... to make sure all the "things" got done. Now I am fearful I am forgetting basic life things. I can't remember the last time I was to the gym. Eating and cooking are major chores. ( you would think I would loose weight.... instead eating the crap at the hospital or making a dash for fast food has left my stomach and intestines in a fury and I am for ever either constipated or spewing diarrhea)

I had a rhythm going.... what happened... I lost it.... that is my fear.... that I have LOST IT......

I am forcing my way through EAT LOVE PRAY.... other have told me if I don't enjoy it , put it aside.... don't read something you don't like. But there is a message in there for me. For those who have read it.... maybe it was meant to feel this way, but I did not like the author much during her time in Italy. A bit too self absorbed for me. maybe a bit to gluttonous.... now that I am almost finished I think it was meant to be that way.... maybe not the dislike for the author part.... her time in India.... not for me. I am a spiritual person. But never have I sought the spirituality of a guru or Ashram to find peace. although some of her personal self discovery is intriguing..... but now in Indonesia. Where she is really finding herself.... maybe I am finding myself in an oddly similar place. I still don't like her much. She is still to self absorbed. to self important for someone I would like to meet and be around.... I can relate a bit more to her discoveries. I do like some of the Balinese teachings. And am intrigued by the concept of being born with four brothers to protect you....( maybe its cause I have three real brothers who do protect me every day !!! ) or the concept that after death heaven and hell are the same place...it is just the journey through seven places up to heaven or down to hell that takes us there.... I want to live every day taking the route through heaven. and right here I apologize to anyone whom I have made life unhappy....
I do have that Indian belief approach to life. That life is half fate and half choice. we live with one foot on each half.... some days choice wins and some days fate wins.... its the old...everything happens for a reason..... but we have the power to make the choice to make it happen.

One wonderful thing happened this week. I got the kindest thank you note from a young man who recently graduated from High school. Ten years ago at his brothers High School graduation the boy nearly drowned. He thanked me for his life.... for giving him the chance to do all the things he loved. That was one of those half fate half choice things in my life. being there... at that party... choice yes... fate...definitely.... I may have had a part in saving his life.... but he forever changed mine. I will never forget him.... that day.... the way I felt... the way the sun was shining.... the color of his hair.... or the look on his mother's face as Ted wrapped his arms around her ....

We all do small and sometimes great things in this world.... those are the moments we must cling to to keep us moving forward.... to keep us on tract through the seven layers up to heaven when our time on this earth is done.

peace