I could not have wished for a more perfect vacation!!! Ron and Cheri have once again provided me with the all that a vacation should be and more. Filled with Hikes, and bike rides, golf and swimming, the Opera, Southern Rock and some of the best food this side of the Mississippi. Then .... there was the opportunity to see Ron, Cheri, Dana, Alex, Dawn, Tanner and the pleasure of introducing Jennifer and Angi to them..and Colorado.
but... Sunday I returned home. a bit reluctantly...as vacation always is better than reality. No "have to do's" and few responsibilities.....but still nice to be home.
A few posts ago.... now over 8 weeks, I mentioned that a handsome man and I met briefly for coffee after an interesting introduction over the speed of my Solstice. He took the risk of talking to me from his car window, and I took the risk of calling him. and here we are still 'dating'. I care about this man as he has become a dear friend and a great distraction.
Distraction from the daily pain of losing and missing Ted. Colorado was interesting.... i missed them both, for different reasons and in different ways. I missed Ted, for the memories that we shared there. The week in July of 07, and then Dana's wedding. The wonder we shared at the Top of Mt Aspen, and the sheer pleasure of the Roaring Fork and Cabin 20. I was secretly glad we stayed in Ten this time....as much as I love 20....the pain would have been too great.
I missed Tim, for the experiences I think he would have liked to share... The hike along Avalanche Creek, the horses and riders packing in for a long trip. The opportunity to fly fish, the beauty that is Colorado and Aspen.... maybe someday we can make that trip together.
For now I am content in spending time with him, getting to know him, getting to know another great friend, to spend time with a man that appreciates me for the woman I have become. It is fun.....
I never thought I would want to go down this path again, certainly not at this time in my life.
I do not know where this is headed.... or even where I want it to head.... but I am ever grateful that Timothy has taught me a few things about myself. I do not want to be alone. I always imagined that if ( when) something happened to Ted, the love of my life, I would spend the rest of my days alone.... content in being alone and having known love and happiness. Now I am certain that will not be the case. Timothy has taught me that life doesn't end at fifty-something. That there might be men out there that might still find me attractive... my mind, my spirit..and unbelievably...all of me !! that he has taught me.... I can move on, that there is the chance for happiness again. That laughter and smiles and yes,,,kisses and cuddling can return to my life. That those lazy days just getting to spend time in the woods, at the beach, in the backyard, doing fun stuff, doing everyday stuff.... its all better when shared with someone you enjoy spending time with.
For now... we are 'dating'... it feels right. it feels strange..it feels stranger to admit it....it feels nice to be missed, and to miss someone who will be there when you call.
Missing that someone who is gone forever.... ughhhhh I know you may have felt it...whether a parent, a partner, a friend.... it breaks my heart everyday.... I still cry everyday.... I miss him more than I ever thought I would, his smile, the jaunty goofy jokes that I knew so well.... the love.... I miss it all. I don't want to miss it forever.
Conflict??? you betcha.... Timothy tries to understand the conflict. gives me space when I need it. changes the song on the radio when I need it... and sometimes, just lets me miss him... tries to understand....
I now have six nights off. We agreed to spend them together...he has the unfortunate break, me with my last 75% schedule of the summer. Then ...life begins the whirlwind that is September!!!
so..there it is.... my life..... I am doing OK.... moving forward, looking back.... and thankful for everyone in my life.... friends, family.... and Timothy.
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