This is why......

This is why I have this blog.....

This is why I still cry......

This is why I tried, but I just cannot give what is needed......

I know we have been dating for only two months. But once again, I had that honest connection. But I held back. this time more than ever. I held back my trust, I held back all that I could have given, although I gave what I could, and yes I held back my love.

and now....

he deceived that trust, he wanted me to give more than I think I ever could , and I am glad I never said those words to him, although there was a time very recently I came so close.

This is dating I guess.....

meet, date,... kiss.... move forward....trust...believe...wish.... desire... dream..... and then POOF....
one really bad choice and it is all gone.

I make this sound like I am a heartless bitch, but he knew going in.... this was a deal breaker.

no it was not another woman..... hell.... that I would laugh at and walk away.....
this was the other evil....
my friend Jose....

Now again, I am no saint.... and Jose and I have been friends for along time. along with with cousins and friends..... and I too have made some unwise choices....
but.....I can't do this..... I won't do this....
he said he had baggage...we all do....
his was heavy, sometimes too much for him to carry. I tried to help, so have others. He reached out to them... just yesterday.... then why? Why?

Always the million dollar question..... why did you make that wrong choice.
I have made wrong choices I know.... and have learned to answer that question to my self as raw and honest as I can, sometimes admitting the real answer to others, sometimes not.... but always knowing in my head and my heart what the answer really is.
I do not know if he will answer it... and I doubt he will answer it to me if I ask him.... undoubtedly his answer will be 'I don't know'.

So, while I continue through my personal journey of healing and coping, I guess I am now going to do it alone, again. and that is OK. It was a nice summer distraction. He made me smile, made me feel desired and like a woman, like someone, someday, somewhere COULD actually love me.
At times this had a feeling of forever....but more often it did not.... I guess I knew that going in...

amazingly.... I have shed no tears..... I did nothing so stupid that I cannot still hold my head high. I was cautious when I needed to be , I was sharing when I could, and I 'loved' him as much as I could let myself. This is not about me.... and I am OK.... sad.... but OK.....