Well....

Until 30 seconds ago my resolve was waning.

People make bad decisions, poor choices.
None of us is perfect.. if we were...life would be pretty mundane...and to be honest I would not have a job.
But most of the poor choices others made do not effect me much. and to be honest, in the end.... despite a horrid inconvenience, an afternoon and evening of distress and angst and once again needing to rely on my best friend for support.... this one did not either.
Except emotionally....
and now....
today.....
he pushed my final button.
A random call from a friend of a friend.... he has a favor to ask.....

can I open my heart again?
Do I forgive.... I can never forget.... rebuilding trust will take forever. Do I have forever.
Do I want forever.
Ultimatums never work....so I won't offer them.

I have to look to myself. What does he bring to the relationship.

Without a doubt, he has taught me much.... I have reflected on much of that already....
do I trust that he is not the only one.

those doubts.... many that I have lived with for 20 some years. I need to drive them from my mind.

I always tell my 'girls'... You don't need a man.... they should always be someone who makes your life more complete.... this man.... just brings too much baggage....to many what ifs and can it happen?
it does not complete my life, it breaks it wide open into a place I am not willing to go at 52....ermmm 53.
The sad thing is..... I miss him.... the happy him.... the him that made me laugh and smile.
The him that made me feel good inside. and yes without a doubt the him that held me in the dark ...even when I cried over another man.

but I can't have one without the other.... one I don't need, the other I will have to do without.

I can be strong.... I can do things on my own..... I will find time and energy to complete the projects we started. Just not now.

I need to tell him to move on...... it will be hard....but for me it is what I must do.... and I must repeat this and reread this every time he tries to find his way back into my life.

because.... the answer, Tim, is .....YES ...IT IS ALL ABOUT ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HAS TO BE.