Friends....

One of my resolutions is to be a better friend....

I need my friends. All of them!
But when do friends become a liability?

I try to be a good friend to many, but that sometimes comes back and bites me. When does friendship end and too much responsibility take over. I can lend an ear, help with whatever, but when have I given to much? When do I promise too much? Why can I not say no, even when I know it is the right thing to do. Both for them and for me!

Instead, I say yes, or tell them what they want to hear, simply so as not to hurt them.

This post is mostly about someone I know will never read these pages because of his current situation. He has no access to the Internet. and unlikely will ever go back and read all these posts when he is able. It is not about my REAL friends.It is about the one I fear is using me. The one who has asked too much of me.

I cannot say no to this man and it is driving me insane! He has no control over me, I owe him nothing. He truly brings me nothing but heartache, yet when the ID comes up on my phone I am drawn to answering it. Then the story begins. He has no one else, he trusts me, dare he say he loves me. He asked me once to "give my word" that I will wait for him! I did not.... but I am not sure he heard me. He hears what he wants to hear. he says the words he knows I will respond to. It is driving me insane!

My real friends do not behave like this!!! Why am I letting him do this to me!

Others have come forward, wanting more of me than I likely can give as well. Promises. I give them, honestly at the moment. but then know that my heart feels differently. I need to be honest with him as well. It just isn't what I think he wants it to be.

What is it I want it to be?? I am sure I send out mixed signals. I know that I have learned much about myself.

I have said before, I do not want to be alone in this world, but at what cost? Yes, every relationship has a cost. Think about it? We all give up something to be with the one we love. There is always a 'cost', but it should be worth it. they should be worthy of it..... and we should not think of it as a liability. Why am I seeing it this way? maybe because the cost of these is too high right now.

Likely it is timing! March is not a good month for me historically. The end of winter,not yet spring.... weather is nice one day bleak the next. Stuck inside, but the sun beckons me out.... then the Anniversary looms near. I want to mark it. Marking time is one of the things I do best. I remember dates, places, songs on the radio even the smells. there is a line from a favorite movie ( don't laugh... its Coyote Ugly) where she says ' I remember the first time I heard Bridge over Troubled waters, and how I felt, and how my mother looked and how she smelled....and every time i hear that song i remember exactly how I felt, how my mother looked and how she smelled'.... I am that way with many things.

I need to move into a better place within myself.

Africa taught me much.... I need to learn more.

maybe friends who are not real friends need to be moved out of my life so that I can really be a better friend to those people who are important and need to be in my life. How so you know who those people are....or do you just know?

I need to be a better me!