I have been back in the states for a week. Glad to be home among healthy drinking water, soft bedding and some of the many other creature comforts of my home.
But I feel a bit lost.
I was told to expect this, that the adventure of the mission leaves you slightly more restless than before. I am not sure I could be more restless.
I had a good weekend. Did not get as much accomplished as planned. I still need to connect with many of my friends. I am planning that for this week. Steve will just have to understand. I have not seen my brother in laws in far to long. They are a priority. I will contact them today and make plans for the week or weekend. I miss them dearly. They have protected me and loved me for almost thirty years. I will always love them all!
Then there are the 'boyfriends' and their wives. I miss them too. I will try to meet with them too. and I want to pick up extra shifts. That is my life. I cannot fill all my space with one person. I worry that will be an issue. I need all my friends. I want to spend time with them all. I cannot be consumed by one.
The great news... I am sleeping. Returning home has brought some peace. I went to the rock yesterday. It is so beautiful there. I know it is supposed to be a solemn place, but there is nothing solemn about Ted. So I shared a shot of Tequila with him ( 1800 of course) and cried. as I always do. Thanking him for loving me. Thanking him for guiding me.
It is amazing how he continues to give to me even in his absence. I never would have experienced Aspen in the winter with him, I never would have gone to Africa, and certainly not with Cheri had things been different in the last year.
While I always have believed that "things happen for a reason".... I will never understand why he had to be taken from me. I know that is such a selfish way of viewing things ...so egocentric. He was taken from all of us that loved him. He was taken from this earth at a time that none of us will understand....but in his loss I have found much. well, some things to be thankful for.
Everyday I learn more about myself. Everyday that learning curve changes. Where I end up in this journey, I will not even pretend to know. I just know that it is on fast forward at this moment and I am barely hanging on for the ride!
What is the next adventure..... not sure. but I know it is just around the corner! I will keep my eyes and heart open. and when it comes I will grab on with both hands.
Life is flying by so don't waste a moment wondering what if. Live your dreams and don't ever let them go....
a friend of mine posted this:
Now the hardness of this world slowly grinds your dreams away Makin' a fool's joke out of the promises we make And what once seemed black and white turns to so many shades of gray We lose ourselves in work to do, work to do and bills to pay And it's a ride, ride, ride, and there ain't much cover With no one runnin' by ...your side, my blood brother
I refuse to let my dreams be ground away, no matter how much monotony fills the daily grind of my life. I have learned in past 340 days ...you never get back yesterday and you cannot wait for tomorrow. If it makes you happy and it does not hurt another.... do it !
So on that note.... I am off.... to take care of the monotony of my life....bills, taxes, laundry....
peace
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