Three Weeks.....

Akoma is a symbol of love, patience and endurance and is one of the Adinkra symbols from Ghana which is depicted by the image of a heart.



Unbelievable. This is the point in time when everything becomes surreal to me! Three weeks ago,Today, I was in NYC, then heading to Africa. A life time has happened in those three weeks.
Two weeks ago, our first case in Kumasi, one week ago, all the cases were done, today....
I am such a different person. Inside.
Oh, I am still a procrastinator.... my lawn is unmowed, my taxes undone, I am barely unpacked. I need time to decompress. Inside something has changed.

The nightmare is gone. Was I able to leave it on a beach in Africa. I close my eyes and his blue eyes are still there, but now they are filled with love and understanding not fear and disbelief. I no longer hear the words over the phone. I no longer shudder when the phone rings. Was saying the words out loud enough? Did I throw the hurt to Orion in the Southern Sky? whatever it was or is, I hope the nightmare never returns.

I still am a restless sleeper.... or so I am told. I think that may never change...I never have been a lay in one place kind of sleeper.

Three weeks away. I learned that I can do this. I know that I do not want to be alone. I figured that out earlier this year. But Africa taught me that I can find the "one". In the meantime.... sigh.
A friend here in Portland to keep my mind busy, and fill the space in my life. Unfortunately, he does not fill the emptiness. How do you explain that. We met under a unique situation. It was not meant to even be a friendship. We had different plans, a different attraction. But then.... he ended up 'liking me'. And I him. The sad fact.... I want more. He is not it. How do you tell someone that. How do you go back to being alone, when in the meantime there is someone to occupy a place that needs an occupant. I am wrong I know. Give me time. I will do what is right.

maybe this is all just a distraction. If I can get my life back I will feel better. This weekend I am making a list. and I am putting myself at the top.

many would believe that is all I have done for the past twelve months. Only took care of myself. but I do not feel that way. I have merely existed. I have not cared for me. I have made sure that I remained in motion. afraid to stop. Afraid to pause. It is a good way to exist when pain is in silence and stillness. My head is never quiet, my nerves are never still.

so, for now..... I will protect my heart, my head. I will make plans, and time to move forward for me. What does that mean. I'll let you know next week. This weekend is about finding me and my dreams. I grasp my Ashanti necklace, the symbol for patience. Symbolically it resembles a heart, it tells me that for my heart to find happiness, I must be patient.

I will embrace Patience. Not one of my strong suits. but I must.

sigh