How did I get here

Wow, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. What I do not understand is how did I get here?


For 28 years, I have lived OHSU. Loved OHSU. never imagined myself anywhere but there.


I feel like I know myself well. My strong suits as well as my short comings. One fact about me that teeters that line of acceptability is my intolerance for bull shit, and bull shit people.


I have a work ethic, unlike many I know. yes, I have called in sick to "go away". getting time off can be a major headache. Especially short term. But I show up, work hard, and give my all. But when BS enters my life, it is hard for me to accept.
When others do not know what they are doing, can't do the job they are hired to do, or just are lazy, it irritates me and I have little tolerance.
My actions from that irritation is questionable at times. I react. apparently loudly. and others "fear" me.


now, I sit at home letting people decide my fate based on a single day. well ok... three... but in 28 years,...4,368 shifts give or take a vacation or overtime shift, it all comes down to this.


My frustrations come when others do not do their jobs. When they leave their jobs to me, or others.


Life has changed, I have adapted mostly well. but I have to learn again... to go with the flow. I hope that I have the 440 shifts left until retirement. If not... I am truly gone. My job has been the only thing that has kept me in Oregon this long... maybe it is just time...


thank you cyber space for letting me put my feelings down... my fears, my tears....


I am strong, I will survive this. I have survived worse... but never.... the core of how I define myself.


I am hurt, I am defeated....
sigh....