Away, Alone, what do I want.

Its Monday now... the moment just changed.


I spent the weekend away. Alone. One in a room of many. Unnoticed, but noticed. Felt good that Dr Link picked me out of the crowd. I don't even know what for. But to be noticed. to be mentioned ... in a room of people who do not know me.


I am not used to be the out cast. But I wasn't. old friends, bug warm hugs... real hugs... hugs that didn't feel awkward or weird, but were sincere... I needed that.


No one knows the pain I am in.  reading this weird bloggy thing... don't bury your feelings, acknowledge them. And then accept them... know them,


I am not sure where that needed to be. I need to find my world. My world at the hospital. the world that held me up. I think that is why it feels like such a loss.


I know that I have not reached out. I really am wanting to protect them, and me from them... from the looks, the words... the feeling.
I will never hurt those who have taken such good care of me. I will not hang my head in shame. I will walk in confidence that I am a good person. that I really may have issues, but I am good. inherently I am a good person.


I will make some slow deliberate decisions on my own. St Louis childrens has positions. Denver? who knows.... I may just leave. maybe that is the thing to do. maybe to protect myself from myself.


I still wrote the dream down.... an educator in the clinic. Do I have to get my RN... maybe I will look into that. I could do that. I could finish my life.


I am afraid. Afraid of not letting anyone in .... I am scared. Scared and alone... sigh.... I knew this was going to be my life, but I thought I would slide back into the mainstream... find someone ... special...


I need to be me .... be happy... find life again....


I am good... I will always be good.


I will live !