Amazing Women

I work with so many amazing women and a few...very few actually, I call friends.

Many of you know that I am part of a small team at the hospital that run machines called ECMO pumps. Its challenging, exciting and rewarding. Most nights I am on ECMO, the goal is for no excitement and maintain the child and the system. I like it that way.

Last night was mostly that.

Many of you also know that I choose a long time ago to be an RT and not a nurse because of the cool stuff RT's get to do...moving about, ever changing, and for 90% of the time you treat and dash... spending time to treat the patients effectively in the moment , preventing worse case scenarios, and moving on. We teach some, but rarely at night... and bond .... not so much. For a true emotional softy like me... that was a huge attraction. I initially chose adult medicine cause its even harder to bond with adults....but 11 years ago I choose the move to pediatrics... and love it. Most days .

Last night was NOT like that.

Our little one on pump.... I had been her specialist now for four nights and her RT for three more out of her 13 day in the PICU after her heart surgery. ( actually surgeries...4 in total in less than two weeks). An adorable jewel she struggled to come off pump previously and the family had been told that today ( Wednesday) would be her last trial off. Their family was complex, and as I described it to one...was dysfunctional at the highest level of dysfunction.

Here is where the amazing woman tie in comes.

The nurse, a woman I call a dear friend who has been there for me personally on so many occasions, wowed me like never before. I have been the victim of work place violence, and seen other bizarre events....but J .....wow.... she kept this situation so calm. Every time I feared that things might turn ...ummmm...dare I say ugly.... she gathered inner strength that led her and the family through the moment. Looking back...now 24 hours later.... I dare to admit that I was a bit scared...definitely uncomfortable and thank the heavens that J was there. I was able to defer to her every moment of uneasiness... so many fears and yes anger, were occasionally welling up in me that it was not until now that I can admit what those feeling were.

I was NOT angry at this family.... they truly were trying, in their way to wrap their heads around the reality that there little girl had but a few hours to gain strength of an amazon to overcome her odds....I tried to help, but mostly I was using all my strength to remain calm, to not accelerate any situation.... that was all I could muster. I am damaged that way now. I need to find my way back to a kinder gentler soul. I am trying.... to bite my tongue more often... to hold my head up.... to help.... but I am not there yet...I hope I can find that.

To J....a million thanks.... you helped ME heal something last night..... I want you to know that.