53 ...NO WAY

Its not that I am refusing to turn 53...it is just I really am having a hard time believing it !!

My birthday, a day I, as the princess of the senior Fromm family, I just can't give that title completely to Dana YET.... cherished. MY DAY.... when my brothers, my friends , my family all know that I am to be spoiled beyond complaint or practicality.

They mostly succeeded. From Video messages to phone calls to cards. Face Book, makes the day aware to all who log on, so well wishes for birthday happiness came from friends new and old....all in all a good day.

A good day finished with an amazing opportunity to hear one of my favorite authors speak. Dr Atul Gawande spoke here in Portland at a free lecture presented by the Center for Health Research. His 90 minute lecture was full of promise and hope and how we... the entire medical community can change the face of health care. That we all have to be a part of health care reform. It was sooooo cool. Were it not that I had already put in a 12 hour DAY shift at the hospital I would have stayed for the book signing. but I was exhausted.

The cold... urrrghhh lingers...as it always does with me. Its been over a week. I am done....

I finished my day with a Pb & J, and a diet Coke... Happy Birthday to me !!!

Now today, I sit.... six months.... damn has it been that long, it seems like yesterday he left. I tried to move on. Tried to let someone in my life. It failed. I am not completely sure why. Did I hold back, was I not ready. Without a doubt the other person failed as well. His failure more obvious to some, but my failure was just as real. I miss them both and they are both gone.

I have tried to keep myself so busy that thoughts like this would stay far from my everyday reality. It works ...mostly.... but then..there are the quiet moments.... the TOO quiet moments where it all comes back and the tears rush out and the emotions bubble over and I feel like I just want to sit and never move again.

I, luckily am less than a month away from family. Thank goodness. It will be whirl wind weekend... filled with laughter and celebration and joy of Sam and Ross's wedding... a perfect time to be surrounded by them.

I dread the after moment.... then all becomes quiet in my life. No trips planned. No celebrations to await, no work adventures. no projects. what then?

But I cannot go there yet. that time will be dark enough....for now..I am busy as ever...competencies are going well... better than expected. people are well prepared. I am proud of them !! my peers.... I still have a bit of clean up work from Trends.... that will be done this weekend.... and then I need to get myself better and to the gym so I look fabu for the wedding. All wedding attire is purchased, pressed and ready to go..... including all accessories...

Happy Birthday to me.....fifty three.... sigh....