COLD.... NO WAY.......

My body has finally given into the stress.

I never really "slept last night", never really slept this weekend without the aid of Ambien. I do not mean my typical I am having trouble sleeping. This is very different. This seems pathological.

As the night wore on , the headache got worse, the congestion increased and the sore throat began. Psycho-symptomatic...possibly.... although I have never had that happen before. At 330 I called in.... I'll be late. No worries, I was supposed to project work and prepare for competencies until they began at 1300. So I took an Ambien, a Tylenol with cold, and woke at 0900 or so...worse than earlier. I could not go in.

Ughhhhhhhhhh I hate myself.

Trends went great !!! As I suspected, few of the vendors had heard about Ted, so as each asked about my husband I had to retell the short version. All were shocked, sympathetic, and supportive. The good news .... I got through it with the minimum of tears and cracked voice.

Then, through the glory of the Internet, cell phones and persistence, I was able to rid myself of "he who has ruined his life" belongings. I am 100% done with him now!. It was just a summer fling I guess. That was what I thought going in, but my reasons for believing that were not this. I just thought we were both going to find our lives too busy and that without contact it would fizzle out. Such is not the case. I am not prepared to be the support for someone who does not really want to help themselves. He has had many opportunities. I gave him some, but I am so glad I protected myself as carefully as I did. I let him in, farther than I thought would be possible at this point, but not so far as he could hurt my soul, or my future.

But even the simplest of persons can read between the lines and sense that I miss him, that I care for him. That he is the reason for much of the stress in my life that weakened my defenses and let this cold overtake my body.

Hopefully as my body heals ( quickly I pray)... so will my other defenses and my will and my mind.

I am feeling like I need an advisor again, maybe I will call the office and see if there is someone else I can see soon.

Or maybe I just need to pray to the Lord above to keep me strong.... that has worked in the past. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much.....

for now.... Heal I must.... next week I turn 53.... YIKES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!