2010 has started off with both feet running. I guess that is what happens the older you get.... and darn it anyway I keep getting older and older!
It is a little scary to me to admit that I have been in the same job place since 1986, and in the same house since 1996. Many things have changed professionally, personally and in the world since then. I never imagined myself becoming a stay in one place person. Yes, I have found new adventures and challenges as often as I could, and I have been blessed many times over by that.
I have been reflecting, more than usual, about what this year might bring. I "warned" that by December 1 I would make decisions about relocating in 11 months from now. It seems so soon. I am not ready to make a decision. Maybe it will be made for me....one never knows. 10 months ago, he left. Ten months...sounds like just yesterday, but a lifetime has happened since that as well. Some days I am so confused. Wanting to move on, but afraid to tell anyone. Wanting to stay in the security of "being married and widowed", but not really wanting to be alone. How do you balance grief, respect, loneliness and the danger and excitement of putting yourself out there for someone else? Do you fall in love differently at 53 than you did at 25? No.... I am not in love....but maybe I want to be.
I am trying something different this week. I took off my ring. I say this with tears streaming down my face. Is it too soon? What does it mean? What does it say? Even I am not really sure.... but just yesterday.... IT didn't feel right wearing it. THAT was a NEW feeling. and Today, I don't feel like a part of me is missing. Oh...that part, the best friend I ever had.... He is still missing.... I still wait for the door to open and for him to come strolling back into my life. I doubt that feeling will EVER go away.
I remember my mom telling me she talked to my dad "all the time". I understood, somehow, I never thought she was odd or crazy ...well not for that anyway. Now ... I TOTALLY get it. Christmas is done, the boxes packed away, yet, I cannot redecorate my home. The stuff that was ours that filled the shelves and mantle, they don't fit. Have I really changed that much? Has life moved sideways and upside down that simple trinkets no longer fit? I love him, I miss him, but I must admit to myself, he is gone. Every time I think about him I cry. I tried to talk about him last night with a friend.... the tears welled in my eyes and drip down my cheeks, I had to change the subject. Why does it hurt so much - like it did that horrible March day? Time is supposed to make it better. Time is supposed to heal me, heal the space around me. Instead, it is haunting me. Maybe fixing and selling this house IS what I need to do. The market is improving..... no.... I promised...no decisions until Dec of '10. This, now, would be all emotions.
The counseling.... it doesn't seem to make a difference. We talk about this ...that.... my anger.... my pain....my fear.....but nothing seems to change. I still anger easily, I still hurt, I still fear. I seek comfort. ( Aspen was the ultimate of comfort.... family, love, being spoiled...no decisions)
The real question..... when ...why.... how.... I try all the tricks and exercises. Of course, I think some people, are just meant to piss me off.... I think THAT is their purpose in this earth, I hope they will fade to the background soon, rather than remain my constant source of irritation. I guess it is up to me to move them there. Others, need to come into a higher focus. My friends, certainly my family, and those who love me. Others, I have to cut out....no matter how painful for them or for me. That is not easy, no matter how much I say I want it.
It is time... the new year.... both feet running. No stopping the world from spinning.... hang on and catch a new ride. IT has to better than the past 12 months. Live it.... enjoy it..... Here I go !!!
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